Turning the calendar is the perfect time to turn a new leaf,
start a new chapter, start anew…whatever imagery you want to use. Most of us, consciously or unconsciously,
make a resolution or two. A new way to
start the new year. And I’m exactly like
everyone else: I want to lose a few pounds, see and do more, save more money,
and become an expert weaver/glassblower/interior designer/backyard farmer. Except that I don’t want to do any of those
things. I want everybody else to stop
fucking around, so my life can be better.
So, in support of that, here are my New Year's Resolutions (for
you).
1.
Stop fucking around on Facebook about how your
life is so perfect. Seriously, I am sick
of hearing how your kids are in the gifted program, you just went on that dream
vacation, you had drinks with Alec Baldwin, or your chef’s kitchen has just
been completed. How about admitting that
your husband hates you, you measure your misery with the pizza you eat, and
your kids are mean? Boy, I sure would
like Facebook a whole lot more if you would do that.
2.
Get therapy.
No, seriously, you need it. A
lot. Just look at the fake crap you’re
posting on Facebook! Here’s a fact: you
are the reason for your unhappiness, not everybody else. Get some therapy, and then divorce your
spouse/get a new job/lose 15 pounds.
Everything will be better.
3.
Speaking of losing weight, I am guessing that
losing weight is also on your list of New Years Resolutions. Here is my resolution for you: instead of
talking about how hard it is for you to lose weight, like you are the ONE
person on earth that the pounds just don’t roll of for the minute you eat one
less potato chip, actually TRY to lose weight.
Through diet and exercise. And see number two, above.
4.
PLEASE READ THE BILL OF RIGHTS!!!!!! Please.
It is short. Read, specifically,
the first amendment. You will be amazed
that it doesn’t say, “No one will ever have to live with the consequences of
the things they say.” It really doesn’t
say that! Sorry, that was kind of a spoiler alert.
5.
Stop mentioning what you’re too busy to do. You aren’t that busy, unless your name is
Michelle Obama. We fit in the things we want or need to do. If you don’t fit it in, you don’t want to do
it. Be honest. Say, “I prefer to sit on the couch, watch Law
and Order SVU marathons, and complain about how unfair my life is because
everything else sounds too hard.”
6.
Become a human again. Like a human, when you pass someone, whether
it is in the hall, on the sidewalk, or at the grocery store, look them in the eye,
smile, and say, “hi.” It is simply
ridiculous to walk around, staring at your phone, pretending that human beings
in front of you do not exist. If you
can’t do it for you, do it for the children.
They are growing up with the social skills of a pre-Annie Sullivan Helen
Keller.
7.
Please, for the love of God, make this the year
that you learn the difference between your and you’re. It matters.
It really, really does.
