New Year's Resolutions (For You)

Turning the calendar is the perfect time to turn a new leaf, start a new chapter, start anew…whatever imagery you want to use.  Most of us, consciously or unconsciously, make a resolution or two.  A new way to start the new year.  And I’m exactly like everyone else: I want to lose a few pounds, see and do more, save more money, and become an expert weaver/glassblower/interior designer/backyard farmer.  Except that I don’t want to do any of those things.  I want everybody else to stop fucking around, so my life can be better.  So, in support of that, here are my New Year's Resolutions (for you). 

1.     Stop fucking around on Facebook about how your life is so perfect.  Seriously, I am sick of hearing how your kids are in the gifted program, you just went on that dream vacation, you had drinks with Alec Baldwin, or your chef’s kitchen has just been completed.  How about admitting that your husband hates you, you measure your misery with the pizza you eat, and your kids are mean?  Boy, I sure would like Facebook a whole lot more if you would do that.

2.     Get therapy.  No, seriously, you need it.  A lot.  Just look at the fake crap you’re posting on Facebook!   Here’s a fact: you are the reason for your unhappiness, not everybody else.  Get some therapy, and then divorce your spouse/get a new job/lose 15 pounds.  Everything will be better. 

3.     Speaking of losing weight, I am guessing that losing weight is also on your list of New Years Resolutions.  Here is my resolution for you: instead of talking about how hard it is for you to lose weight, like you are the ONE person on earth that the pounds just don’t roll of for the minute you eat one less potato chip, actually TRY to lose weight.  Through diet and exercise. And see number two, above. 

4.     PLEASE READ THE BILL OF RIGHTS!!!!!!  Please.  It is short.  Read, specifically, the first amendment.  You will be amazed that it doesn’t say, “No one will ever have to live with the consequences of the things they say.”  It really doesn’t say that! Sorry, that was kind of a spoiler alert. 

5.     Stop mentioning what you’re too busy to do.  You aren’t that busy, unless your name is Michelle Obama. We fit in the things we want or need to do.  If you don’t fit it in, you don’t want to do it.  Be honest.  Say, “I prefer to sit on the couch, watch Law and Order SVU marathons, and complain about how unfair my life is because everything else sounds too hard.” 

6.     Become a human again.  Like a human, when you pass someone, whether it is in the hall, on the sidewalk, or at the grocery store, look them in the eye, smile, and say, “hi.”  It is simply ridiculous to walk around, staring at your phone, pretending that human beings in front of you do not exist.  If you can’t do it for you, do it for the children.  They are growing up with the social skills of a pre-Annie Sullivan Helen Keller. 

7.     Please, for the love of God, make this the year that you learn the difference between your and you’re.  It matters.  It really, really does.