Not so long ago, my endocrinologist suggested that I might
have Celiac Disease, and said that she wanted to do some blood tests to confirm
her suspicion.
“But I don’t believe in Celiac Disease,” I told her.
In fact there are a bunch of diseases I don’t believe
in. Not because they don’t exist, but
because people who don’t have them decide that they do, and they go around
being ruiners for anyone who actually has them.
I mean, seriously, can you imagine going to the emergency room with a
broken leg, only to find twenty other people there, clearly jumping up and down
on perfectly healthy legs, insisting that their legs, too, were broken?
So, here’s my list of fake diseases, and how you can spot a
fake disease-haver. I didn’t really feel
like looking up the actual etiology of these diseases, so I just took my best
guess. It doesn’t matter; you probably
don’t have any of these anyway.
Celiac Disease – in reality, this is caused (I think) when
your body produces antibodies somewhere in the gut, that attack the cute little
villi that line your, I don’t know, stomach, or intestines or something. The villi become all matted down and grody,
and then you can’t absorb any nutrition from food, making you feel like shit,
and maybe poop a lot or get bloated or something. The treatment is to stop
eating wheat. Forever. Always.
Fakers think they have it because they are fat and they pooped. Why they fake it: attention starved? Like to make a fuss at restaurants? People also say they are “gluten intolerant,”
which is a totally made-up thing, much like reverse racism.
Irritable Bowel Syndrome/Chron’s Disease – These are
actually separate conditions, but fakers use them interchangeably. This is when (I think) the body gets all
crabby and starts shooting food down your intestines like a conveyer belt gone
wild. When people actually have it and
it’s bad, they get ulcers in their intestines, poop blood, have to take
steroids to calm the inflammation, and sometimes even have a bowel resection to
take out the really bad parts.
Yuck. Fakers think they have it
because they ate a bunch of Mexican food and then pooped their brains out. Why they fake it: Don’t want to admit that
everyone poops? They think their shit
shouldn’t stink?
Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, aka ADHD – This is a
brain chemistry thing (I think). I don’t
think anyone knows. Actual people who
actually have it have a hard time concentrating on some tasks, despite their
best efforts, but do hyperfocus on certain activities. Fakers think they have it because they want
an excuse to not do things that are hard.
Why they fake it: Doing hard things is hard. Plus they like Adderall.
Bipolar, aka Manic Depression – This is another brain
chemistry thing (I think), where people have extreme episodes of depression and
periods of mania, where they buy a whole bunch of stuff, or pull everything out
of their closet at three in the morning to organize it, or other stuff. Fakers think they have it because: they feel
blue one day and another day they are happy? Why they fake it: everyone else
does. They want an excuse for why they
were such an asshole yesterday.
Exercise-Induced Asthma – This has (I think) something to do
with the air passages in your lungs, which sure you have enough oxygen, or
enough clean oxygen. For some reason (by
the name of this illness, I am guessing the reason is exercise), they get shut
down. Fakers think they have it because
they get out of breath, likely because they don’t ever exercise. Why people fake it: They want army recruiters
to stop calling them. No shit, I know a
guy who said to an army recruiter that he had exercise-induced asthma,
otherwise he would totally serve his country.
Alternately: they do not want to go on a run with you. (Frowny face)
Fibromyalgia – Supposedly, this disease is caused by
oversensitive nerves or something, so you feel achy all the time. But seriously, even the commercials for drugs
to treat it say, “There is no test for fibromyalgia, no cause, or no data that
it even exists,” or something like that.
Fakers think they have it because: you persuaded them to forget about
their exercise-induced asthma for ten minutes and go on a run with you, and now
they’re sore. Why they fake it: DRUGS,
MAN. Or they’d rather say they have a
medical condition than depression. Depression, by the way, is not a fake
disease. It’s totally
underdiagnosed. I’d be depressed, too,
if all I did was sit around and pin shit on Pinterest all day and talk about
how I am “blessed.”
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/Lyme Disease – So, Lyme Disease is
spread by ticks (I think), and is very rare and sort of gross and scary. But people are always saying they have Lyme
Disease, despite the fact that they have never been within a hundred miles of a
tick. Fakers think they have it because:
they are tired. And, for some reason,
they don’t think everyone else is tired.
Perhaps they are tired because they don’t exercise on account of their
exercise-induced asthma. Who knows. Why they fake it: they are tired. Aren’t we
all.
Hypothyroidism – The hilarious thing about this condition is
that it is easily diagnosed through a simple blood test. It is the result of an underfunctioning
thyroid gland, which causes all kinds of autoimmune problems, but mostly makes
people feel crummy and tired. Fakers
think they have it because they are fat, and don’t think their frequent trips
through the McDonald’s drive through have anything to do with it. People will INSIST they have thyroid disease
(I’m fat because I have a gland problem) despite the ten blood tests that
disprove that fact. Cray. Why they fake it: Diets and exercise
suck.
But I am sure you legitimately have these things, so please do not email me.
