Our Creepy Neighbor Up North

Canada, our creepy neighbor to the north, has so many things wrong with it.  Do I need to say more than that?  I don’t think so, but I will.  Here are twenty reasons why we need to build that fence up north:

1.     You talk like the characters in Fargo. 

2.     Your French people are worse than French French people.

3.     Justin Bieber – that’s obvious – but also Dave Coulier, Howie Mandel, and Pam Anderson.

4.     Okay, I love Pam Anderson.  We get to keep her.

5.     When you say “herbs,” you pronounce the “h.”  I don’t like it when Martha Stewart does it, and I don’t like it when you do it either.

6.     Your bears are always eating people.  Aren’t they?

7.     Your flag has one fewer color and 50 fewer stars than all the important world flags.

8.     Your flag also has one too many maple leaves on it. 

9.     Something about hockey.  Which we, in The Real America, call “ice soccer.” 

10. You have, like, twenty time zones.  Okay, just six, but it seems kind of show-offy.

11. You slow-bleed innocent trees after torturing them with sharp spikes, you monsters.

12. You are SO BORING.  Has anybody ever had water-cooler talk about the Real Housewives of Ontario?  Or Top Chef Calgary?

13. You use those weird crutches that only come up to your elbow, and you get mad when we come up to your country to buy all your cheap prescription drugs and grow marijuana in your forests. Selfish.

14. You are a constitutional monarchy.  That is so Canadian.

15. Your police wear silly hats like Pharrell. 

16. You stole the fun side of Niagara Falls.  WHY ARE YOU SO SELFISH, CANADA? 

17. Your bacon is ham.  Don’t pretend it’s not.

18. Two words: Alberta Clipper

19. When the whole Rob Ford crack and booze binges thing blew up, all you basically did was send him an email saying you were deeply disappointed.

20. You’re always making The Real America look bad with your nationalized health care and the ease with which you use the metric system.  YOU ARE SHOWOFFS, CANADA.