Breaking Up with Friends

I want to break up with some of my friends.  It’s not them, it’s me.  Okay, it’s them.  But you can’t break up with friends the way you break up with boyfriends.  With friends, you just sort of stop talking to them until they go away.  Sad.  True. 

            Here are grounds for a friend breakup:

1.     Excessive bragginess.  I’ve always felt that it’s totally okay to talk about how poor you are, and never okay to talk about how flush you are.  The older my friends and I get, the more opportunities there are to talk about the awesome ways in which you bought awesome things with your awesome paycheck, but it’s annoying at any age.  Seriously, you sound thoroughly middle-class'
2. Rudeness. I get that people are late sometimes.  I am pathologically on time, and even I’ve gotten caught in traffic, or stuck in a meeting with no end.  But a person who is habitually late is a person who is saying, “My time is more important than yours.”  Or people who “totally forgot” that they had something else going on. Nice people don’t do that. 
3. Excessive discussion of marriage.  I’m just not interested in the state of your marriage. Or your desire to be married.  Imagine if I talked about Longaberger baskets all day.  That’s what it feels like to me when you talk about marriage. 
4.  Being a bitch. Ugh.  Get over yourself. 
5.  Fighting with your significant other in public.  What the hell, people?  I’m an adult and I’m pretty sure you are, too.  There is no need for you to work out your serious issues in public.  In fact, there’s no need for you to work out your significant issues at all.  You’re adults; go your own way.  Be happy, you dumb fuckers.
6.  Hypochondriacs.  Do I need to elaborate? 
7. Chronic public obsessing.  Listen: I obsess to the highest order.  But I keep my obsessions to myself.  I don’t stop you in the hall every day to tell you about the continuing saga of the feud with my babysitter, my dumb diet, or the state of my child’s marriage.  Because I realize that you DO NOT GIVE A SHIT. 
8.  Constantly selling stuff.  Have you heard of Craig’s List?  That is where you sell stuff.  Not on Facebook, twitter, at work, etc.  CRAIG’S LIST.
9. Inability to listen.  I had a friend who listened to approximately two words of every sentence I said.  Only enough to figure out how to turn the conversation back to herself.  For the love of hominy, there is nothing worse than feeling like you have the conversational value of a brick wall to your friend
10.  Along those lines, friends who only call, text, or stop by when they are bored or lonely.  Guess what?  I’m not! 
11. The obstinately mentally unhealthy.  Get help for your fucking daddy issues. 
12.  Never-ending attachment to your telephone.  What is wrong with you?  I sat in a restaurant with a friend and noticed that, whenever I said something, she would immediately start looking at her phone and texting.  Perfect breakup moment. 

Generic breakup note: It’s been a fun friendship, but it’s over.  Enjoy your new friends.  Meaning people as horrible as you.  Love.